Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
You Might Also Like
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
pls suprot
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I think I’ll stand
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”