Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
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If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?