Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
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“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
My current situation
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
this makes me so uncomfortable
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out