Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
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son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling