Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
You Might Also Like
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄