@chuckyhead3

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

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@roxiqt

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

@TheAlexNevil

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

@Browtweaten

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

@johnfreiler

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

@AlexBlechman

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

@Jandalize

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

@iamspacegirl

Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.

Her: I can hear you.

Me: she could hear me