Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
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hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.