turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
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If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.