@pondermymaker

Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”

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@AmishSuperModel

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

@TheCatWhisprer

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

@PaperWash

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

@Erin1137

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

@laurenmacdonald

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

@GrowlyGrego

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

@jonnysun

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

@GingerHotDish

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.