Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
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[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…