Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
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*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I gave up going to work for lent.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit