@NolaChef504

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

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@Home_Halfway

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

@JohnHilsen

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

@MariyaAlexander

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

@wag____

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

@E_lok44

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

@BoomBoomBetty

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

@jannable9

*Food arrives*

*Waits 3 days*

*Slowly takes bite of food*

*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*

HOW IS EVERYTHING??

@3sunzzz

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.