Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
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This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
S/o to @funTweeters .
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.