Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
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Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
At least he brought enough for everyone
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”