Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
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*praying for world peace*
God:
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse