Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
You Might Also Like
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Discuss
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
me as a parent
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.