Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
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ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.