[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
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[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I hate my earbuds.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.