[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

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i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table


I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.


Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks


You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.


Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer


My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.


My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis


How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?


*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.


[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack