@iwearaonesie

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

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@HatfieldAnne

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?

@ToxicProbably

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

@blade_funner

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

@Josievorenkamp

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.

@aveuaskew

Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.

@kelkulus

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

@robdelaney

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.

@ojedge

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

@jordan_stratton

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.