@iwearaonesie

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

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@jonnysun

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

@shutupmikeginn

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

@TheNardvark

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.

@squirrel74wkgn

*pounding on her chest*

DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!

*pounds harder*

(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!

CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.

@upsidedowntrash

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

@Reverend_Scott

CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?

PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room

WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO

@StumblerTop

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

@Tmoney68

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

@OzKamal

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

@JediGigi

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.