[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
You Might Also Like
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Me if I was a dog
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
I’m giving up ice.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.