*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
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I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*