“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
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Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?