turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
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Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Weirdly Wednesday.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me: