You Might Also Like
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.