turtles are just lizards who work in construction
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Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
bears
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I feel attacked.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)