Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
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I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
what’s really going on
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?