TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
