[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
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Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?