TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
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I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
If only.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Carpe DM
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly