TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
You Might Also Like
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
“HELP WITH CAT”
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.