[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
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Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Cat is stressing him out.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
my favorite genre of twitter
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.