Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
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Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Lmao the reply
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish