tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
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COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
This meal prepping shit easy
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.