[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
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When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem