[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
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Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
The sacred texts.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal