TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
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Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Best mom ever 😂
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
yeah no that’s fair
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.