TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
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“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm