[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
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Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Are we there yet?…
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g