‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas
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A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose