‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
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When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Always 🥴
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.