Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
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my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
*exercises sarcastically*
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Aight bet
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count