‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
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My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
i hate you platonically
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now