Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
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When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!