Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
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I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Ken is short for chicken
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related