Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
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Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
incredible book dedication
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.