Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
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Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally