Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
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My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.