Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
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“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
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A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.