Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
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if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
That 👊
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?