Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
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23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Hilarious if literal: arms race
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!