twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
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the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
FRED: right
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Every BBC series about the universe.
Ha