@MaraWilson

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

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@AngieDavisHaha

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

@AwedFellow

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

@1970RobD

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

#1PUN

@KalvinMacleod

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

@joci2203

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

@FeverFlave

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

@osigat

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

@dafloydsta

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

@mattytalks

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

@AlexKaan47

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen