If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
You Might Also Like
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen